What if I fall
“What if you fly”
The world wasn’t made for me, for people like me. Time and time again it’s been shown to me that this isn’t my world and therefore I’ve no place in it.
“Why do you say this?”
Because of my past. My bad luck. My inability to make my dreams come true and that I fail at everything I try.
“Why do you think you fail?”
Nothing ever goes to my plan. I’m constantly up against those who wish me and my kind harm. Everything is a challenge and I don’t want anymore pain.
“so what is it that you want?”
“Well, you are now. You exist, does that not mean ‘to be’?”
I suppose so.
“Well then, you have what you wanted, don’t you?”
“so what do you want?”
Freedom, peace, love and all of that cheesy stuff
“You want more cheese? That’s doable, although I thought you were thinking of becoming a vegan, but again achievable”
No, I want to connect. I want love, happiness and a sense of achievement. I like the idea of having achieved something with my life. The idea that I made an impact and that there’s a purpose to life. I dunno, I want my suffering to have meaning, and I want my pain to be noticed, so that it wasn’t all meaningless.
“That’s more than just being then.”
“So, what is it that you want?”
I want to be happy
“What does that mean?”
I want to be safe, I want to be surrounded by love and I want to be praised for the good work that I’ve done. I want to be noticed for the effort I put in, and I want to leave a legacy of hope.
“Ok, I love you and I’m impressed by you everyday. You are the result of a billion years of evolution or if you prefer, Gods plan. I’ve watched you since the day you were born, from your first breath, to here now, where you are having an existential crisis. Of everything in the universe, I love you and I couldn’t be more proud. I will make sure that everyone I know will understand how amazing you are just by being you!!”
That’s not enough. It would seem like enough, but it’s not.
“So what would be enough?”
To be better, to have made an impact and to be important.
“I just said you have made an impact, are important, I love you and that I’m proud of you. You exist so you are. What more could there be?”
Hope, hope that everything has meaning.
“And how would that change you or anything else that you desire? I can provide you with all of your wishes. Would you then be content?”
I don’t think I would. I like the idea of risk. I don’t just want to know I’ll be content. I’d like the notion that I have to work for it. I like the idea that I got to use my wits, brains and all that I had to get to the top of the mountain, the bottom of the problem, the root cause as it were. I don’t think I can be happy unless I’m able to have learnt along the way.
“So it is knowledge you require? I can give you all of the knowledge of the universe. You can be at one with everything that has happened, will happen and could happen. You can live in a state where both matter and anti-matter exist. You will be everything and yet nothing, for you will know everything”
But that to me feels like cheating. I hope to one day be everything, but for the moment, as a human, I’m just looking to see what’s the best path forward to make my dreams come true, to keep hope alive and to make an impact.
“Doesn’t that make you vulnerable though?”
Yes I suppose it does
“But without the answers already, it’ll have to be trial and error. I don’t believe you have the foresight to make the correct decision. Are you sure you want to take the risk?”
Nope, I don’t. I’m scared. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared from the moment I get up to when I sleep. I live in fear, but for some reason, hope keeps propelling me forward.
“But, and I want to emphasise this clearly, what if you fall? What if you break?”
Ah, my friend, welcome to what it is to be human. What if I fly?