The joy of freedom!
I’m content and happy!
It has been over a week since my Stronger Together post. It was a really hard journey to get there, much harder than the Inca trail when I discovered that altitude sickness is a real thing and not made up (Kilimanjaro was a lot higher than Machu Picchu- sorry Sarah). Much harder than running the 5 mile charity run after I’d torn my meniscus (I hate running) or adopting my sisters. Why? Because this journey has been about self-acceptance and challenging my own fear including notions of the self.
If you read the last post, you’ll know that I’d hidden my traumas as survival techniques, but also for fear that people would negatively judge me. After I published the post, I felt relief. I no longer had any intrusive thoughts about being damaged and different. I’m in the present and excited about the future. I wake up with music playing in my head and I find myself singing as I go about my day.
What I thought had been saving me from external critique was hindering my internal growth, to the point that the pain was shouting out. I needed to address the issues, feel them, accept that they had happened to be able to move on. I thought I had done that, but in reality, I’d only half accepted them. Living in fear and hiding is no way to live. I had to go through the pain to reach the other side.
I’m released from the chains of the past, and it’s as if I’ve been reborn. I wanted to see how strong I was so as ridiculous as it is; I’ve spent the past week seeing if I can be triggered by reading and watching content that would have sent me spiralling a year ago. I can now be critical of the message and messenger. I’m free. I’M FREE!
My regret is that I wish I’d taken the time out sooner to address what was bothering me, face up to the traumas rather than hiding them in a box and throwing away the key. The reality is though, I didn’t have the resources or capacity prior. It’s been the little steps, the little wins I’ve taken along the way to bring me here.
I have a wonderful future ahead. I’ve always been confident in my own abilities, I’m excited at what the next chapter of my life will bring. I now have to concern myself with normal life. I want a gloriously normal and settled life now. I miss working, having colleagues, meeting clients.
Was my sabbatical worth the career break? Yes! I can honestly say that my growth has astounded me. It’s wonderful to have had the time to recalibrate. If you have the chance, take it!
As I said, I’m one of the lucky ones. The past wont haunt me again.
Now back to adulting and dancing in the rain when no-one is looking!