In the interest of oversharing, I was disappointed with myself. For the first time in a while, I am at blame. Of course, I don’t have the full picture, but I know I didn’t perform to my best and I’m gutted. As you may know, I’ve been approached by several amazing companies, and I felt I’d found the role that was perfect for me. I loved their technology, it was a space I had extensive experience in and since I have had to do marketing for my writing, I could easily speak to the clients about managing their campaigns. I’d been monitoring my activity via google analytics to understand how visitors use this site including dwell time, pages visited etc. The company married their DSP with SSP and also provided a DMP to create a very exciting proposition to the market. So what went wrong?
I’ve been so focused on learning new skills and filling the knowledge gaps that I forgot to shout out all that I have achieved and what I bring to the table. In my mind, because I could do the job, I looked at what I needed to do instead of what I could already do well. Rather than talking about my successes, I spoke about what they’d have to teach me because I’ve been in the learning mind-frame for so long. I had a knot in my stomach because I’d fucked up, leaving them to doubt my skills, and sadly they declined to offer me the job.
There are many reasons to not get roles, and I have turned down a few myself because they weren’t quite right. I understand their position, but I’m completely gutted because this time, the fault was on me. I sabotaged myself. I’ve been doing far too much and not allocating enough time to focus properly on each thing. I’ve developed a routine that I’d started to follow blindly and as with my non-fiction book, I took up old habits of not giving due care where needed. I’ve been lucky with my book Vampire Emily and perhaps, subconsciously, I was scared of further success, something routed to my past. Had the fear of success reared its ugly head? Alternatively, was it that deep down I knew it might not be the right position because everything happens for a reason?
In every situation, it’s good to understand it and take steps to not repeat the same mistakes. I’ve decided that from now on, I’m going to allocate my time specifically so I can be present and active in each activity. This isn’t me being overly critical in wanting to be the best version of me, but a reality that I have to accept. I need to be more self-aware to give what I need, for the results I want. Being mindful, present and knowing yourself is all part of growth and self-love.