I’m about to go into the 3rd week of my new job. It’s everything I’ve been looking for in a company, job and people. The only problem is that I have no idea what on earth I’m doing. It’s been a tumultuous couple of weeks as I flit between emotions. One moment I’m on top of the role thinking I understand it, and then the next I realise I have no idea how anything works! There is so much growth to do that it can seem daunting.
It doesn’t matter that this is expected. This is a normal reaction to anything new undertaken. It’s the insecurities that come from not yet fully understanding the proposition at hand and having to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The “will I ever be good enough” or “how on earth will I become fluent enough for them to trust me with clients”. It’s the balancing act of asking questions whilst still being conscious of others’ time and their workload. The “am I being annoying?” or “are the questions I’m asking really stupid because I should know them” part of a new job is hard.
Sadly, this is just fear rearing its ugly head. I have this in every new situation, everyone does. It’s magnified this time around because it’s been two years since I last held a full-time job for a company. Yes, writing was full time also, but this isn’t the same as a passion project. There are right ways and wrong ways to do work. I want to impress my boss and colleagues. I want to do well and excel in the role. However, this time I have gone into a completely new industry and I have limited expertise in this field.
I hate hard work, but I love the reward and outcome. I have to remember that I approached this company, it’s exactly what I want to be doing and I believe that they have such an important role to play in business that I am proud to be part of them. Perhaps this is why my fear is seeping through? Nope, that’s not it. Just like everyone else on the planet, I hate not knowing stuff and not yet being proficient.
The beginning is always the hardest as you have to find your footing! Feck starting over! Feck not knowing and feck the hard work I’m gonna have to put in to get to where I want to be! Giving up is not an option, I want to conquer this mountain of complexity too! However, I shall complain along the way, because nothing is ever easy and we need to stop glamorising the notion that it is!